When Practice Meets Pavement: Self-Reflection on Adversity

A Wall of Awakening

Last Tuesday, during an important conversation with a high ranking stakeholder at work, I said, “My experience at this company was like being hit with a wall.” The following expression on his face told me that it might have been kinder to choose different words.

But my intention was not to draw criticism rather try to put into words what a gift it was that I had to face such adversity and that the company provided tools that helped me achieve a better state of consciousness.

For had there not been the option to talk to a psychiatrist through Open Up, I would not have stumbled upon the life-changing resource that is Waking Up (it's nice that they rhyme). I think it was only because of the humility I faced that I was able to take in such contemplative teachings and for that I am grateful.

Meditating on these mountain tops of Freiburg, Germany was an incredible experience.

The Dreadful Cascade

About a year and a half ago I was in a dreadful situation where trouble in my personal life had bled into my professional life. I had, until then, been very happy and proud of my successful career, which led me to take the strong opposition I faced at work very personally. At home, I also faced strong criticism from my wife about moving to the Netherlands.

She was very unhappy and eventually started doubting my character and accusing me of being unfaithful. On top of that, life tending to be relentlessly unkind at the worst of times, I had to face the housing market again with all of its adversity.

A Glimpse of Self and Shadow

The situation was so bad that I was led to believe that I am an undiagnosed autist. I still remember the feeling of helplessness that had come over me when I realized that I was a bit of an asshole. And how I proceeded to apologies to everyone for being myself. One of my biggest fears now is that I am a helplessly bad person. It is only through the incredible graces of my mindfulness practice that I can still reason about life and its adversities.

"Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional." —Haruki Murakami

A Familiar Storm Returns

With that incredibly long prologue, I finally get to my current predicament. What's fascinating is that it has most of the same elements without much of the existential dread.

Everything is the same, everything is different. I am at the last leg of an incredibly expensive divorce, I have to deal with the anxiety of moving to a different rental apartment again and yet again I face strong opposition at work. What is dreadful about my situation is that I am on an HSM visa. It is a blessing and a curse. I was able to come live in the Netherlands only because the visa does not have an educational requirement. But it has an incredibly high salary requirement that limits my mobility within the job market. So when my manager told me last week that I have two months to live up to some vague performance goals and that a failure would result in a 'serious discussion', it naturally sent my psyche towards a fight or flight response. It's important to realize that no amount of practice might save me from such a physiological response to stress. This is one of the earliest lessons that I had learned in my journey so far. Our bodies are fitted with arcane and primitive survival mechanisms. What’s important is that we acknowledge them and let these feelings pass.

For me, I was initially able to fend off the shock but inevitably fell into patterns of rumination during breaks and before sleep. I was also a bit reactive where I thought of and acted on some hurtful things. I think the biggest truth of this situation unfolding is the possibility that I would have to go back to Bangladesh. In one sense, going back home is not so bad. But one of the reasons I have avoided even visiting home so far is how radically different my values are from those of the majority there.

It would be one of the greatest challenges life throws at me if I would have to carry all the growth I have achieved so far and face the environment there. It might be interesting to evaluate the outcome. But if it is possible, I would rather not. And this is largely the reason why despite all the progress I have made I am still suffering from incredible stress and anxiety.

What Keeps Me Standing

I am very grateful that I am able to admit this freely and talk about this openly. I suppose one of the debilitating effects of stress is that it forces us inwards—we recede into our depths and ruminate helplessly.

Fortunately, I was able to develop some habits that have saved me from myself. First of all, I am still working on my physical health. I still go to the gym first thing in the morning and I am still trying to eat healthy. Secondly, I am keeping up with my daily meditations and meditative practices like journaling, listening to contemplatives, going to museums etc.

Next, I am proactively talking to people about my situation—friends, colleagues, acquaintances and even complete strangers. I have set up sessions with a psychologist using Open Up to actively monitor and contemplate my emotional response to the situation. Finally, I am doing all I can to give myself as much control as I can. I have spoken to management openly about my situation, I have posted online that I am open to work, I have scaled back on socializing and volunteer work to give myself more time to deal with the challenge. And I am actively working on every possible way I can salvage this situation, including but not limited to looking into other locations for work, looking into contract positions for better mobility, looking into other forms of visa like the startup or the student visa. At the end of the day, even if I find myself with the worst possible outcome I can say without a doubt that I have tried my very best despite how difficult things have become.

And when I look back, all of this is phenomenally different from how I used to be. I must thank my lucky stars that I found myself on this path. And here I shall remain, whatever may come.